I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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