I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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