Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
