Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
