tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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