I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
