Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
