I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
