I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
