I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
