i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
