Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
