I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm sobbing to NWA
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
