I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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