I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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