Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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