Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
