I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
