Cold hands, warm shart.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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