If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Randomize
