Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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