I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
