Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
