Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
