drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
