I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Randomize
