I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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