I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
