i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
