I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
