she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
