so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
