He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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