Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
