my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
