i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
