Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
