I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
