Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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