you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Randomize
