I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
