thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
