jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
