How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
