i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
