if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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