I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
