First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My bed smells like the plague
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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