I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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