Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
