Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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