i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
