and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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