i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
