Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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