he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
