ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
