i think my tv is drunk
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize