Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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