apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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