I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
