Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she peed on how many people?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize